I believe that how I was raised effected parts of my life in a negative manner.  Looking back at my early years and the decisions that my parents made for our family, I would never want for my daughter.  When you have kids of your own, you often look back to your own childhood and compare how you were raised to how you are raising your own.

The decisions you make as parents have lasting effects on your children.

Up until the age of about 7, we lived in a small town with lots of family close by.  Dad worked at a tire shop in town and Mom was a homemaker and also cared for neighbourhood kids on the side.  Typical childhood upbringing at the time and everyone was happy.

Then my parents made the decision to move us more than an hour away to pursue a dream THEY HAD of running a motel with my Aunt and Uncle.

The move, initially, affected my brothers lives more than mine at the time, since they are older than I am.  We relocated while they were in high school and this move certainly turned their lives upside down.  For me, on the other hand, this was an adventure!  New house (we lived in a house beside the motel at first), a pool on-site that we could use whenever we wanted, and I got still be close to my favourite cousin.  We even got a puppy shortly after we moved!

I don`t remember a huge challenge when we first moved.

I settled into my new school fairly quickly and began to make new friends.  Home life was good!  My Dad was renovating one of the motel rooms into an apartment for our family to live and my cousin and I got to help with the day-to-day operations of the motel.  We helped with laundry (I can still fold sheets like a pro!) and when we were a little older, we helped clean the rooms!  It was fun at the time, but looking back on it now, we were some pretty cheap labour for our family business!

One of the disadvantages of running your own business (not to mention living there as well!) is getting away on vacation!  But, we were fortunate enough to visit Disney World one Christmas!  I don`t remember a whole lot, with the exception of the drive there in the motor home and getting Baby Talk from Santa, but I`m told it was great!

After only 2 or 3 years, I guess the novelty wore off, and my parents left the motel business (I`m assuming they were bought out by my Aunt and Uncle) to move on to the next phase of their lives.  So we moved to a house in the same town and my Mom and Dad got new jobs.  Fortunately, I was able to stay at the same school, until I reached the 6th grade, when I had to change to a different school anyways.

A short time later, we relocated yet again.

This time purchasing a general store out in the country, but less than a half hour from town.  We lived in the house which was attached to the store and I had the joy of transferring to another school.  This new school was more of an adjustment for me, since I did not know anyone AT ALL.  Living in the country was more of a challenge for me as well, since the pool of potential friends was really small.

I managed, but I didn`t have much of a social life.

Two short years later, I was in high school!  What many people say are the best years of their lives and build long lasting friendships, for me was the worst four years of my life, and I couldn`t graduate fast enough!

I had a few friends, but not many that were even close to being in the popular crowd!  I wasn`t pretty enough for the uppity chicks, didn`t play on any sports teams, and with the exception of the few who attended the same public school, didn`t have any sort of background relationship to work from.  I was mostly invisible or hung with the skids who smoked!

Being that my parents were tied down to a family run store (& restaurant a few years later), I too didn`t have a whole lot of freedom to just be a teenager.  I got my beginners, but didn`t get my full license until after college.  So, I depended on my brothers (who were away at school or living their own lives) or my parents for rides to and from friends houses or whatever.

So, in the evening and on weekends, I worked in the store and waited tables in the restaurant like a good daughter.  I really feel like I didn`t get to experience all the joys of being a teenager.  Parties, road trips, getting high!  I did have one boyfriend in high school though!  It didn`t last any longer than a couple of months because I was too scared of sex and he just wanted to get closer to me.  I pushed him away and didn`t have another serious relationship until after college!

When it came time to decide on a post-secondary school, I applied for a dental hygienist program.  I was not a great student and my grades weren`t up to snuff for this particular program, so it was back to square one.  My cousin (motel cousin!) had been attending a college a couple of hours away, studying hospitality and tourism management.  She suggested that I apply to the same school and the same program and we could get an apartment together!  I jumped at the idea!  Not only could I room with my favourite cousin …

…but I could get the fuck out of my house ASAP!

Looking back on this part of my life, I really shouldn`t have jumped to such a rash decision and really put some thought into what I wanted to do in life.  I should have stayed in high school an extra year and made a more sound choice regarding my education because it all went to hell!

Off I go!  I spent my OSAP (since my parents couldn`t afford my tuition!) on clothes, booze and everything except what it was intended for!  I partied every weekend, got stoned with my awesome new (non-judgemental) friends, and got with strange guys I met in bars (lost my virginity finally)!!  I lived my teenage years in college!  The experiences that I should have had in high school, I was having a couple of years later!  Since I didn`t have Mom and Dad close by (and I never went home)…

… I had the freedom to go nuts – AND BOY I DID!!!

Second year I was living in an apartment on my own.  I had a few friends come and stay with me from time to time, but I was essentially alone.  It was at this point that reality set in and my world came crashing down.  I was sleeping all day and partying all night, skipping classes, and not talking to anyone.

From what I can remember, I was held up at my place for a couple of days – I didn`t go anywhere, I wasn`t eating, and I didn`t answer the phone.  I had hit a low point in my life and wasn`t happy at all.

The fun and freedom of college had worn off and the realization that I`d wasted my opportunity to make something of myself had gone down the toilet.

I recall being on the kitchen floor, naked and holding a knife to my wrist, looking through photos of my family.  My brother had had a young daughter, about 3 or 4 years old at the time, and she was my joy!  I was pressing the knife hard into my skin and only thought of my niece.  What would my family say when she asked about me?  How could I be selfish, only thinking of myself, and leave her, in her sweet innocence, wondering where I went?  That little girl saved my life that day and I`ve told her that in recent years!  She gave me a reason to live.  So, I got up, got dressed, and went to class the next day as if nothing happened.

A day or two later, my cousin called and asked how I was and I lied my face off saying that all was good and I was doing great!  She mentioned that she felt something was off to my Aunt , who in turn told my Mom, and she was at my door the next day.  She had called a couple of my friends to let them know her plans and set me up for an intervention of sorts.

I packed that day – dropped out of college and returned home with my Mother.

It was a hard adjustment when I got home.  I lost control of my emotions easily and took everything said to me out of context and as an attack against me.  I was put in touch with a therapist a short time later and was prescribed anti-depressants to control my mood swings.  After a couple of years, I was back to myself, but my home life was also different.  I was finally able to get a job outside of the family-run business.  I got my driver`s license (still had to use the family vehicle) and had more of a social life.

The strings were loosened, so to speak, and I was able to have a `normal` life.

My parents business was not as profitable as they had hoped it would be and they declared bankruptcy on the store. They moved to a house back in town, where they had moved us the first time around.  My dad was working construction, but my Mom was not able to work due to an auto accident a couple of years prior.  I moved with them and got a job in an office, working in the accounting department.  It was at this time that began dating my now husband and father of my daughter.  Things were still a bit tense in our household, especially with my father, and I knew that I had to get out.

A couple of years into dating my now husband, I moved in with him.  The situation would have been perfect, if it weren`t for my obligations to my parents.  I was now living almost an hour away, but still working at the same office until I could find something else closer.  Due to my parents financial situation, they could not longer afford their vehicle, so I was forced to share my shit-box car with them (which I`d just purchased with my own money)!!

The dynamic changed – they needed something from me!

For about four months, everyday I`d drive to my parents house, bright and early in the morning.  My Dad would proceed to load his tools into my car and travel to his construction jobs, while I carried on to my office job (on foot).  At the end of the day, I`d walk back to my parents house and wait for my Dad to return, so I could make the trip home!  There was also the frequent occasion that they`d need my car on the weekend, so they`d drive me home on Friday night and then I`d have to get a ride back to their place on Sunday to retrieve my car.  I was never so happy as I was on the day that they got their own vehicle again!!

Luckily I was able to get a job closer to home, so I didn`t have to drive that distance everyday – and I was then able to begin living my own life!  It wasn`t until I was in my early twenties that I finally felt that I could make my own decisions.  Everything always revolved around the family operated business or my parents!

Finally, I was able to be a grown up.

Life happened …  got a house, got married, made memories with my loving husband, and had a baby of our own.  We have a beautiful little girl and I want to raise her properly (if there is such a thing)!!

Looking back on my childhood, I would never put our daughter through that!  She will not be shuffled around to FOUR DIFFERENT ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS through her grade school years.  She will attend the same school and grow with her peers that she will know for her whole life!  She will get a job in high school and work to earn her own money to live her own life.  She will not be moved to five different houses by the time she hits grade 7!

She will not be made to believe that she owes her parents anything.

As parents, it is our job and privilege to give our daughter the best life that we can.  She will be allowed to be a kid and experience the ups and downs of her teenage years.  She will have the means to attend college or university, because we`ve been saving for her to do so.  Since she was about one, we`ve been contributing to an education fund in order for her to attend post-secondary school, hopefully without loads of student debt!  I want her to make mistakes, and also learn from them, without losing herself in the process like I did.

If I could have a conversation with my younger self, I`d tell her to stand up for herself and speak her mind in order for her to have the life that she should have.  But also, to take a step back and think about your decisions and the affect they can and will have on your life.  Not to bow down to what others expect from you.  To never be a door mat to anyone, and to fight for what you want out of life.

No one is going to live your life for you.

I`m sure my parents regret some of the decisions that they made over the years.  But, I believe they were doing what they thought was best for all of us at the time.  I feel there was some selfishness in their choices on their part, but the good intentions were there as well.  My oldest brother has really expressed his disdain for how I was brought up, not being able to be a kid and suffering greatly in the process.

As an adult, I`m good now.  But I will be raising my daughter with HER best interests at heart, not my own.